The Broad Appeal: Yummy thoughts for delicious dames

March 4, 2009 by Lani Voivod, Chief Scribbler.

If it’s true we are what we eat, then this Lakes Region girl is a wasabi-dabbed, ginger-slivered, soy-sauce-soaked sushi roll with green olives and fiber crisps on the side.

(Not a typical New Englander meal, I know. But it was my most recent meal. No wonder I feel bloated.)

This dining experience offers an exciting perspective of how I could view myself.

Clearly, I’m a rich, exotic, complex, utterly unique individual. An unpredictable woman who enjoys bold life experiences: Spicy, sweet, tangy, salty, mushy, crispy, firm and succulent, all at once.

Yes! Exactly! Except …

Until today, I’ve always imagined “you are what you eat” translating into:

“Hey, ya fat cow, it’s clear you’re no shrine to grapefruit and celery sticks. Slap some duct tape over your mouth, start jogging around Lake Winnipesaukee, and don’t stop until you’re a size 2!” (Approximately 17 years.)

Which begs the question: Is our true identity based on the food we put in our mouths … or our minds?
I submit the latter. Not because I refuse to give up sushi (although that’s part of it), but because the unhealthy crud we New Hampshire chicks feed our minds does more to damage our Fab Factor than 1,047 milligrams of rice-laden sodium and three servings of olives ever could.

So, for those of us delicious dames in the Granite State who have a love-hate relationship with food – as in, we love food, we hate to deny it – AND for all you haute-cuisine ladies who find flaws where none are visible, I present a fine buffet of gourmet substitutions for all the dining we do at the Scorching Self-Talk Café.

Instead of “My derriere deserves its own zip code,” substitute: “My ample assets are revered by pop icons such as Queen’s Freddie Mercury (‘Fat Bottom Girls’) and Sir Mix-A-Lot (‘Baby’s Got Back’).”

Rather than saying “Don’t take any pictures of me! I hate my double chin!” say: “If this picture comes out bad, I’ll just use it as my ‘BEFORE’ picture in my best-selling book, ‘My Miraculous 30-Day Physical Transformation From So-So to Soooo Hot!’”

Overwhelmed? Not you! You’re “blessed with a plethora of fascinating possibilities!”

Exhausted? Hardly. You’re “calmly, strategically, unapologetically storing up energy for your next blast of super-woman shenanigans!”

Feeling guilty, inadequate or just plain hormonally helpless? Try a dose of “I am enough! I have enough! I do enough! And anyone who tries to suggest otherwise can bite my bodacious backside!”

See? It’s not so hard to swap out the flavorless, over-processed, merciless goop of our mental menus with vibrant, healthy, nutritious alternatives.

As the snow melts and spring starts playing peek-a-boo around the state, many of us feel a creeping panic.

“Without oversized sweaters and well-worn yoga pants, where will I hide?”

And when we walk into our favorite stores and see our first racks of (gulp!) bathing suits, some of us will surely weep.

But really, how can we ever hope to look better in our skorts if we’re constantly chucking fatty spam into our cerebral Crock-Pots?

Our minds are hungry for yummy, delicious, wholesome dishing. Let’s stock our inner cupboards with five-star delights, and see what new recipes we can cook up.

Care to chime in? E-mail Lani@TheBroadAppeal.com.

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